it's my life

Little Johnny and Suzy have almost nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That's way too scary."
"No, it's not," says Johnny, "it'll be fun!" And he proceeds to the top of the stairs.
The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom.
"That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."
Suzy still isn't quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."
"No, it's not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it's the best!" urges Johnny.
Well, little Suzy isn't one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected.
WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom. Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.
When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
"Maybe you'd better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.
Little Johnny's face goes pale white.
"OH, NO!" he shouts. "THIS IS HORRIBLE! YOU KNOCKED IT RIGHT OFF!"

American consultant was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The consultant then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American consultant scoffed, "I am business consultant and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American consultant replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the fisherman.

The consultant laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Little Johnny kept disrupting his Third Grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior; he said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody and I'm very proud of that fact."
"If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
He agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"she asked.
Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."

A highly successful young executive received a promotion and decided to reward himself with a new car.

When the dignified, dapper and impeccably groomed businessman arrived at the Mercedes Benz showroom, the salesman looked at his expensive suit and shoes and suggested the Executive Model.

Yes, I like it, said the executive, after looking it over. I'll take it today. I have a business conference in another state. I have just been made vice president of finance.

But sir! said the salesman. We can give you so many accessories and extra options! I'm sure it is worth waiting a few days. After all, CARS have personalities! We do our best to match the CAR to the DRIVER, sir! This car has only the basics! I CANNOT sell it to you without the all of the fine."

No, no, said the executive quickly. I like the car as simple as possible. Nothing extra. I insist! ONLY THE BASICS! NOTHING! And PLEASE do not argue with me!

Very well, sir. said the salesman, but he shook his head and sighed.

The executive drove out of the showroom and soon he was on the interstate.

He was enjoying the luxury of his new car, when, out of nowhere, he heard a voice a mocking voice but he was ALONE in the car!

Are those Brooks Brothers shoes you're wearing, pal?

Who said that? the executive nearly hit the roof with surprise.

I asked you a question. I'll bet those shoes cost five hundred dollars, huh? And are those SILK socks? Mighty fancy, mister high and mighty executive! A little TOO fancy for me!

They cost seven hundred and yes they're Brooks Brothers and yes these socks are silk. What am I DOING?! Am I losing my MIND?! said the executive.

Well get rid of 'em, NOW. There no place for shoes and socks like those in HERE! You think you're special, don't you Pinstripes?! said the voice.

Who ARE you? said the executive again.

Mind your business. Get barefoot! said the voice, growing in strength.

I will NOT! snapped the executive angrily. Leave me alone! I AM going insane, I'm arguing with my CAR!"

"Yeah - well, you might you say YOU are MY DRIVER!" snapped the voice.

But the voice kept up the harangue for an hour, yelling and mocking so that the executive could hardly think or drive. He found himself in a losing battle.

I am an executive. I am wearing a business suit! I am on my way to a conference I HAVE to wear these shoes! he cried, but the voice mocked and yelled.

"It looks like I'm gonna have to DRAG you off that high horse, Mister SUIT AND TIE! Even if you come off kicking and screaming" said the voice. And he continued with a barrage of insults.

Finally, after an hour, the beaten down, exhausted executive yelled: I can't stand it anymore! You win! You want me to go barefoot? FINE! Then BARE FEET IT IS! Anything to SHUT YOU UP!

And he untied and pulled off the brand new polished black captoe shoes that he had bought that week and had shined that morning, and then peeled off his silk socks. Without slowing down, he stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and threw them out the window on the highway.

"That's $750 that just went out the window! Are you satisfied?" yelled the executive.

"There!" said the voice. "Now don't you feel better without those stupid shoes on?" said the voice cheerfully.

"No!" said the executive angrily.

As he rested his bare foot on the accelerator, the voice said:

Now let's talk about that necktie.

Hermes? Or is it Armani?"

"Oh no!" whispered the executive. "Not again."

"Well?" snarled the voice. "No fancy silk neckties in THIS car! And are those cufflinks?! With a monogram! And a Rolex?! And I'll bet you're wearing suspenders under that suit, huh? Well!"

"Yes" said the executive reluctantly. "YES! Why do you CARE?"

"You think you can dress like THAT in this car?! I think NOT! Now get that necktie off. NOW! NOW!"

The harangue began again.

An hour later, the window opened, and one by one, the desperate and bewildered executive threw out his $150 tie and the matching pocket square, his monogrammed cufflinks, his braces, his Rolex and his tiepin.

And is that a cashmere overcoat in the back seat? With a silk scarf? And what about the briefcase?!

No! No! cried the executive. Why are you doing this to me?! Let me alone! But soon, the overcoat and scarf were thrown out on the highway, followed by the $1500 briefcase, which opened, throwing papers everywhere.

For a moment there was silence, then:

Now for that nice, dapper pinstriped BUSINESS SUIT you've got on, Mister Big Shot Corporate High Flyer!" said the voice.

Oh, no gasped the executive. Not my SUIT! This was made for me in London by Savile Row! It cost $2,500!!

Well, and who do you think YOU are?! said the voice in disgust. That smart suit has to GO! No suits in this car. Period. Never. And that white shirt. Is it starched. And the underwear desiger shorts I'll bet! Everything has to go! Lose those spiffy PINSTRIPES! NOW, Mister Hotshot!

The harangue went as the executive begged. Finally, he saw a barefoot derelict along the highway. He pulled over and called out to him: Will you swap my suit and shirt for your clothes.

Within minutes the shaking and frightened executive was wearing the rags of a bum.

"OK!" said the voice. "Quit that high paying, high-class job and sell your condo and your stocks...and no arguments!"

"Quit my job!" said the executive. "Please. I just got a promotion."

"And give away all those fancy suits and ties and shoes you have back in your closet. And don't tell me you don't! I KNOW the TYPE! Call a charity NOW! Give them everything! Even the tuxedo and the patent leather pumps you were going to wear to the corporate black-tie dinner!"

"How. how did you know." gasped the executive.

The executive, now a broken man, barely kept his hands on the wheel as the voice yelled and bullied him to come down off his high horse. He called his office and told his stunned boss he was quitting. Then he sold all of his assets and gave the money away. Then he gave away all his clothes.

"Fine!" snapped the voice. "Hey! There's a KMart! Go in and buy a sixpack of white socks and three pairs of overalls. Get movin'!"

The stunned executive followed those instructions.

"There's a help wanted sign! Get yourself a job as a garbageman, and make it snappy!" said the voice sharply.

"A garbageman! Me." Exhausted, disoriented and stunned, the executive took a job as a garbageman.

Two months later, the former exec arrived at the Mercedes showroom to return the car because he could not afford the payments.

the salesman did not look surprised when he saw the formerly dignified, confident and impeccably groomed executive reduced to collecting trash and dressed in overalls, and he showed no surprise when he heard the strange story.

What did you expect? I TRIED to warn you! Look at the name of the MODEL you bought!"

And the garbageman looked at the bill of sale: "Mercedes Benz STRIPPED DOWN EXECUTIVE MODEL"

1.The sport of choice for the urban poor is Basketball.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.

and,

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is Golf.

The Amazing Conclusion:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Little Johnny was talking to his two friends,Billy and Dick. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
Billy said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
Dick said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,.and he's home by 3:45!"

One day teacher Jane asked her class of 8 year olds to go home and think of a story with a moral behind it. The next day she asked her class to tell her there stories. "What's your story Mary Jane?" she asked one little lass.
"Well, we had 10 mummy chookies and each mummy chookie laid 2 googie eggs. But when they hatched we only had 8 baby chookies (and one omelette)" said the enthusiastic youth.
"That's a lovely story Mary Jane," said Jane, "What's the morale behind it?"
"Don't count your chickens before there hatched."
"Very good," Teacher Jane added.
After a while Teacher Jane got to a young lad called Johnny.
"Ok Johnny, what's your story?", Teacher Jane asked wearily. (Johnny was not known for his high intellect).
"When my dad was in 'Nam," Johnny started, leaning back in his chair, "He was stuck in the jungle all by 'imself with no more then six bullets, a rifle with a bayonet on the end, and a bottle of scotch when all of a sudden 18 Viet Cong attacked him."
"OH!!!" said Teacher Jane, totally wrapped in the story, "What happened next?"
"Well first he skulled his bottle of scotch, then he shot six, bayoneted six and battered the rest to death with the end of his rifle."
"That's horrible Johnny," said the teacher thoroughly disgusted, "What's the morale behind that?"
"Don't pick on my old man when he's pissed."

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied....you just happened to catch my eye!"

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun.
Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:
"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?
"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof, the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog."

Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT SON OF A BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny

Johnny kept betting on everything, and it was driving his dad crazy. So he called Johnny's teacher and told her about it. She promised to try to do something about it and at school that day told Johnny that she wanted to see him after class. After everybody had gone home Johnny went to his teacher and said "I know what you're going to say and you're a liar!"
His teacher said "Whatever do you mean by that?"
Johnny replied "You mislead everyone, the hair on your head is blonde but your pubes are dark, you bleach your hair!"
His teacher saw her chance and said "I'll bet you ten dollars that my pubes are blonde."
Johnny agreed and put ten dollars down, whereupon his teacher pulled down her panties, revealing a thick blonde bush.
Johnny paid her the money and left.
His teacher rang Johnny's father and told him what she'd done to cure Johnny of his habit, but Johnny's father groaned and said "Oh no, now he'll be worse than ever!"
The teacher asked him what he meant and he replied "Before he left for school today Johnny bet me fifty dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over."

After the church service Little Johnny told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?" enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse. I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mom looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of M&Ms, licking the family cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again. Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times.
"Johnny", she cries, "What are you up to?!!"
"I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel", Johnny replied. "you know, popping pills, licking pussy and moving on."

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a Little Johnny and a group of his friends, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy, Little Johnny, gave a deep sigh and said,"All right, give him the dog."

In the class room, the teacher asks. "Who destroyed Berlin's wall?"
No one of her student can answer this question. They all keep silent. Then the teacher turns her face to Little Johnny. "Johnny ?"
"No, I didn't !!!!" exclaimed Little Johnny.
"How rude you are to answer me like that !" The teacher then writes a letter to Little Johnny's father and asks him to come to her office to discuss his son's behavior.
The next morning, Little Johnny's father comes and meets the teacher in her office. The teacher tells the story to Johnny's father but to your surprise, Johnny's father responds like this : "Well, if he was the one, he would honestly tell so!"

To, Priya

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms prey,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving his letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your other friends (girls), if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

HR Manager

One morning Little Johnny got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.
His father said, "Son, where are you going?".
Little Johnny replied, "I'm going to catch me some chickens".
The father said, "Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire", but Little Johnny insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, Little Johnny came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, "I guess he knows what he's doing".
The next morning Little Johnny got up with some duck tape. The father said, "Son, where you going?". Little Johnny replied, "I'm going to catch some ducks".
The father yelled, "YOU CAN'T CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCK TAPE" Little Johnny insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day Little Johnny came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, "Damn, I guess he does know what he's doing!"
The next morning Little Johnny got up with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, "hold up son, let me put on my shoes!!"

Little Johnny came home from school when his dad said "Johnny its time for me to tell you about the birds and the bees."
Little Johnny said "Dad, save your breath I've been around the block a few times and experimented."
Dad replies "Well let's see just how many times you've been around the block by taking a walk around it. Everytime we meet a girl that you've fucked snap your fingers, everytime I see one that I've fucked I'll snap mine. If you snap more times then me you get a new mercedes."
Little Johnny says "Ok, Dad lets go."
So they start out and they come up to Elizabeth:
Little Johnny : Hey Lizzy wassup ? (snap)
Dad : Yeah Elizabeth, how have you been ? (snap)
Then they come up to Sarah
Little Johnny : Hi Sarah.(snap)
Dad : Hey Sarah.(snap)
They walk around the whole block going snap for snap so Little Johnny's dad comes up with an idea and goes home. There his wife has just gotten home.
Dad : Hey honey how was your day ? (snap)
Little Johnny : Hey mom.(snap)Where's sis,(snap) at Grandma's house ?(snap)

As Little Johnny's high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she came across this line in his, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of his essay, "Little Johnny, you obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school one day. On this particular day, the teacher asked her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praised the little girl as a little boy raised his hand. He said, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my
parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

An African chief heard stories about kings that sat on thrones. So he had one built for him out of ivory. He had his men set it outside his hut’s door every morning and there he sat to reign over his “kingdom.” He sent out raiding parties to subdue other tribes and forced them to bring
expensive offerings to him.
Other chiefs thought it was the throne that gave him this power. So one chief made a raid and took off with the throne. Then HE was the one everyone had to give expensive gifts to. Chief after chief captured the throne and made like kings.
Finally, the original chief got the throne back. This time, he hid it. He had his men put heavy-duty rafters in his grassthatched hut and built an attic. They hoisted the throne up
into the attic. He remained king because raiding parties could not find the throne.
One day the chief was sitting in his hut. Suddenly there was a terrible cracking sound above his head and the throne broke through the rafters and fell smack on top of the chief, killing him instantly.
The moral of this story:
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"

The Englishman spoke first.

"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all your men."

"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management."

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

"What is YOUR last request?"

The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Mother told her Little Johnny to go to bed and be sure to say his prayers and ask God to make him a good boy.
Little Johnny's father,passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying: "And make me a good boy if You can; and if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am."

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade Little Johnny to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. "I'll give you $5 bucks for every man you see go by in a red hat."
A while later Little Johnny comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts " Dad, if you think your getting fucked in *THERE*, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner convention going past."

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all hispanic. (Mexican). The teacher is asking for the kids to identify famous quotes. She says, "Who said 'ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?", and little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy".
Then she asks who said, "I have a dream.....", and little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King".
Well, this continues with quotes from F.D.R., and Winston Churchill, right on down the list, towards the end, little Johnny, sitting in the back of the room is standing on his desk, jumping up and down, but she still doesn't call on him.
Finally the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids pushing out, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those fuckin' Mexicans. The teacher hollers out, "WHO SAID THAT", and little Johnny says, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo"

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry
and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I
really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee. The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one
gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee. The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”
“Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit and disappear for rest of the day”.

Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady. Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said.
"Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells.
"Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."

Little Johnny's mother is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts Little Johnny in the closet. One day she hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.
Inside the closet, Little Johnny says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" Little Johnny asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he's in.
"Twenty-five dollars," Little Johnny replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting mother again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with Little Johnny.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" Little Johnny starts off.
"Yes, it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" Little Johnny asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," Little Johnny replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, Little Johnny's father says "Hey, son, go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't, I sold them," replies Little Johnny.
"How much did you get for them?" asks his father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," Little Johnny says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," his father explains as he hauls Little Johnny away.
At the church, Little Johnny goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
To which the priest exclaims, "Don't you start that in here."

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen...
Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

When my grandson, Little Johnny, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Little Johnny whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

To, Priya

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms prey,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving his letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your other friends (girls), if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

HR Manager

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, 'Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'"

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Dad," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fuck; I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
Little Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
Little Johnny: Nine.
Teacher: That's impossible.
Little Johnny: No, it isn't, teacher. Today is my birthday. I'm eight today!

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

Little Johnny comes home from school one day with a note to his mother. It read, "Please teach Johnny the difference between boys and girls."
So the mother took Little Johnny upstairs to her bedroom. She said, "Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." So he did.
Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my skirt," which he did.
Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my bra", which he did.
And then she said, "Now, Johnny, take off my panties," which he did.
And the she said, "Now, Johnny, you have to stop wearing my clothes to school."

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."
Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.
"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?".
"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!".
Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."
"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."
"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks? "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."
Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When thegrieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a
dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
“DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING
PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.”

Little Johnny was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Little Johnny said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?"
Little Johnny said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade Little Johnny to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. "I'll give you $5 bucks for every man you see go by in a red hat."
A while later Little Johnny comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts " Dad, if you think your getting fucked in *THERE*, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner convention going past."

Little Johnny was playing in the farm yard one morning.
The chickens were out running around, and getting in Little Johnny's way. In a temper tantrum he started running after them and kicking them. His mother caught him kicking the chickens, and said, "That's it! No eggs for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny was playing in the pasture, and soon started chasing the cattle and kicking them with his feet. His mother again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No milk for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen when his father came in from the barn. As he closed the door the barnyard cat slipped into the kitchen. Johnny's father gave the cat a kick back outside.
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said "Are you going to tell him, Mommy, or do you want me to?"

Little Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, grandma?" asked little Johnny.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she replied, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they grandma?" said little Johnny.
"How do you mean?" asked grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said little Johnny, "and they fuck you everytime!"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” One little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?”

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindie put her hand up and said "Moooo!"
"Very good" replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!"

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by Little Johnny, who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, Little Johnny continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into Little Johnny's ear.
Instantly, Little Johnny calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents Little Johnny cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!" With that he headed toward the door.
His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

A man was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed Little Johnny. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Tony was a young auditor who worked or a big four firm in the city. He was good at his work and smart at figures. However, there was one thing that made his audit senior mad at him - Tony would fall asleep at a moment notice. Many times, his senior would catch him napping in the office at his desk. All the written warnings and threats had little effect because Tony still took time to sleep for half an hour when his colleagues would be on work out of the office.

One day, the audit senior decided to take a different approach. At the appropriate time, he went to the office where Tony worked and stepped silently in. Sure enough, his subordinate was fast asleep with his feet up on his desk. The senior walked softly to the snoring auditor and, instead of startling him awake he did something else. Slowly and carefully, he slipped the sleeping man's shoes off his feet, wincing and pinching his nose at the smell of the young auditor's socks. Then, as slowly as he came in, he went out, taking the shoes with him.

When Tony woke up, he got the fright of his life - his shoes were gone and he could not remember taking them off. In vain he searched for his shiny city loafers; they were nowhere to be seen. When his office mate Charlie came back from the clients, he was still padding in his socks and ran behind his desk so his colleage would not see him wiothout his shoes. Charlie did not notice anything amiss except for a stale stink of feet in the room. By five in the evening, Tony was still without his shoes and when his boss called to tell his the office would be closing in five minutes, Tony was at his wit's end. How could he walk out of the office in his suit and tie, without his shoes - he would look stupid. With hesitation, he walked stealthily out of the room and ran down the corridor to the elevator. Luckily for him, all the other employees had left and he reach the car park without meeting anyone. He walked to his car in the shadows and drove home with his heart thumping. That was close!!

Next morning, Tony went in to his senior's office to be given the day's assignment. The senior did not say much but made a remark about Tony's new shoes. Back in his office, Tony found his 'lost' shoes under his desk and realised what had happened - and he made it a point not to sleep at his desk again; at least not as often as he used to!

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

A teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"