9:05 AM

Everything

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said 'Jesus Christ, what more could you ask for!?!'"

4:55 PM

Artist

Posted by ANUAR SANi

notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick."

9:05 AM

Farm Impressions

Posted by ANUAR SANi

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Little Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause.
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Little Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

6:55 AM

Baby

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny asks an expecting woman: "What is in your tummy ?"
"My baby!"
"Do you love him!"
"You betcha!"
"Why did you eat him then?"

9:21 AM

Baby Brother

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."

9:05 AM

English Class

Posted by ANUAR SANi

An English teacher asked her class of young delinquents if anyone could spell the word 'Dictate'.
Crusher, raised his hand and said: "D-I-K-T-A-T-E." The teacher replied: "Sorry Crusher, that's wrong, anyone else?"
Bonehead, shouted: "D-I-C-K-T-A-T-E." "Sorry Bonehead, wrong," replied the teacher. "How about you Susie, would you like to try?"
Susie replied: "D-I-C-T-A-T-E." "Excellent Susie, that's correct. Now, who can use the word 'Dictate' in a sentence?" asked the teacher.
Bonehead, raised his hand and said: "I can."
"OK, Bonehead, go ahead," said the teacher.
Bonehead, yelled: "How did my dictate last night, Susie?"

9:21 AM

Bargaining

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny wants to do it with his teacher but she always refuses. One day, finally he suggests "Ok how about if I gave you $1 million, would you do it?"
The teacher, in an attempt to end it all replies a bit amused "With a $1 million? Sure I'll do it with you."
Little Johnny: "How about for 50 bucks?"

Teacher: "Hold it there young man what do you think I am?"
Little Johnny: "I know what you are. I'm just bargaining on the price."

9:19 AM

not so stupid

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

8:22 AM

Big And Dumber

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A couple with their young son, Little Johnny, decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while Little Johnny played in the water.
After a while Little Johnny came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So Little Johnny went back to play. Minutes later Little Johnny returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's.
The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said,"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

9:29 AM

big drinker

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

8:22 AM

Betting

Posted by ANUAR SANi

It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that he was a hell of a gambler. He warned her that Little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened. "The little boy absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."

9:29 AM

mouri style

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A Maori goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour bro?"
"$100," she replies So he asks, "Okay, do you do Maori style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Maori style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is!
So he then offers her $300.
Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "Look, I'll give you $500 to go Maori style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic.
I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Maori style' come in?"
The Maori replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"

8:22 AM

Biology Class

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

9:29 AM

smart teacher

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

9:23 AM

coorporate lesson 1

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. “Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk in time with your shareholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

8:22 AM

Bugs

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.
His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

12:12 AM

A Child’s Perspective

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God made you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

9:21 AM

animals

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Little Johnny: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Little Johnny: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."

8:22 AM

Bus Driving

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny is riding his tricycle around the living room and stops at the kitchen door.
He states "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on."
His mother who is in the kitchen, yells "Young man watch your language."
Johnny rides around the living room. Again he stops and says "everyone who wants to get off, get the fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on."
His mother yells, "Johnny I'm not gonna tell you again."
He quickly rides around the living room again. He stops and says "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the fuck off; and everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on."
His mother quickly and firmly states "That's it, go to your room till I call for you."
Johnny does as he is told. Two hours later his mother realizes that Johnny is in his room. She calls him out. He comes out of his room, gets on his tricycle and rides around the living room.
When he stops he says "Everyone who wants to get of the bus, get the fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on. If anyone has a problem with the two hour delay, well, go see the BITCH in the kitchen."

5:48 PM

american management

Posted by ANUAR SANi

All too true tale of how American management tries to cure all ills by hiring ... more management..

The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American’s team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

9:21 AM

Bathroom Etiquette

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

8:22 AM

Cheating

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about Little Johnny.
Little Johnny's Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

12:55 AM

Anatomy

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"
The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies. "Not quite right either, Peter, anybody else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"

8:40 AM

Daddy Longlegs

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny was playing in the garden when he spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Johnny." he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Johnny asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Johnny asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Johnny thought for a moment, then took his foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

8:28 AM

Bluberry Hill

Posted by ANUAR SANi

One boy came late to class and the teacher said WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? He said on top of blueberry hill
Another boy came late to class And the teacher said WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? He said on top of blueberry hill
Little Johnny came late to class and the teacher says WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? He said on top of blueberry hill
A young girl walked into class and the teacher said whats your name? She answered "Blueberry Hill."

9:19 AM

embarassment

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend...
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

8:40 AM

Criticism

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny, eight-years old, had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Johnny, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
Little Johnny looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

8:40 AM

Circus

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humourous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?"
"No" replies little Johnny "Are you the rear end of an ass?" "No"' replies little Johnny again. "In that case," says the clown, "You must be no end of an ass."
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, "Little Johnny, don't worry. Your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out."
At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?"
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice, "Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!"

9:19 AM

blond car accident

Posted by ANUAR SANi

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

8:54 AM

Dinner Guests

Posted by ANUAR SANi

One night Johnny's parents were getting ready to have dinner guests. In actuality, his dad's boss and wife. As Johnny was walking by the phone on his way to his room, his dad, who was using the phone, yells into the receiver, "What kind company do company do you bastards at MCI run calling people all of the time trying to make us switch! No you bastards. Good Bye!!!" With that, he slams down the receiver.
Now Johnny had never heard the word 'bastards' before so he asked his dad what it meant.
His father, who had been unaware of Johnny's presence blurted out, "It's another word for ladies or gentlemen. Now go and help your mother in the kitchen. I have to get ready."
Johnny, being the good son he was, obediently walks over to the kitchen just as his mother is taking putting the chicken in the oven.
"Fuckin' bird!" she screams as she burns her hand on the hot oven door.
Now Johnny had never heard the word 'fuckin' before so he asked his mother what it meant.
His mother turns at the sound of his voice and thinking fast answers that it is another word for cooking and he should run upstairs and get ready for company.
Like a good kid Johnny runs upstairs and just as he's walking by the bathroom he hears his dad say, "Shit!" Wondering what that could mean, Johnny steps into the bathroom and asks what that meant.
His dad answers, while trying to staunch the flow of blood from the razor inflicted wound, "It's just another word for shaving cream."
Suddenly, the door bell rings. Johnny ran and opened the door.It seemthat their guest had arrived. "Hello, little boy !", one of the guest said.
"Daddy ! We have a couple of bastards here !", Johnny shouted.
The two guest, a lady and a gentleman got shocked. "Well, you must be Johnny", replied one of the guest, "Where is your parents, kid ?"
"Well, sir, my mom is fuckin' in the kitchen and dad is using shit in the bathroom," Johnny answered, "Would you come in and have a seat, sir?"

8:28 AM

Breakfast

Posted by ANUAR SANi

"Johnny, why didn't you brush your teeth before leaving for school!", the teacher admonished Little Johnny, "I can see through your teeth what you ate for breakfast."
"Guess what I ate this morning!"
"Egg", the teacher replied. "Look, there is something stuck in your teeth and it looks like egg".
"Oh yeah," Little Johnny said," well you're wrong. I had eggs yesterday!"

9:36 AM

new Job interview

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, .but you started it."

8:54 AM

We Don't Say That

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
She heard little Johnny say very softly "damn !"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
Little Johnny looked at the teacher, his eyes got very big and he said, "Not even when things are all fucked up ?!"

8:40 AM

Daddy And Aunt Jane

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."
Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Little Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

9:55 AM

aircraft carrier

Posted by ANUAR SANi

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

9:29 AM

ben who?

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Lee wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular, Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say Lee, you seen Ben?"
"Ben who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my a$$!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee confided in his friend Susie who said, "Listen, next time you see Rick, ask him if he's seen Eileen. Rick will ask, 'Eileen who?', and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss MY a$$.'"
Memorising his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick. As soon as he arrived, Lee ran over to him.
"Hey Rick," he said, "have you seen Eileen?"
"No," Rick answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Lee frowned, "Ben who?"

8:40 AM

Worms

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Little Johnny.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"

12:07 AM

A “Dear Mom” Letter

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.
We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her that he’s OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up? Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick a lot that way with the food they ate in prison.
I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Johnny
P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

8:22 AM

Babies

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

8:40 AM

Cream Of The Cream

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny was walking down High Street with his mother. They stopped outside a womans clothing shop, Johnny's mother knew it would embarass Johnny to go inside, so she told him to wait outside. Before Johnny's mother had a chance to go inside, little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the pavement.
"What is that mummy!?" he asked.
His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastilly said, "Ah, Um, It is a biscuit Johnny, but its on the ground so its dirty, don't touch it!"
Confident that Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop. When she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.
"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Johnny!?" she asked.
"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside it."

11:08 PM

wrong phone

Posted by ANUAR SANi

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

9:29 AM

whistle

Posted by ANUAR SANi

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

9:05 AM

Fried Worms

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The doc asked "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said. The doc was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupfull. Placing them on a plate, the doc said "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried.
When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.
The doc took one and in a strong voice said "Here is only one. Now eat it."
"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The doc swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny.
The boy began to cry. The doc asked what was now wrong.
Little Johnny said "You ate my half!"

8:54 AM

Homework

Posted by ANUAR SANi

"Little Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it." was his solemn response.
"Little Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Little Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

8:55 PM

American History

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

9:05 AM

Popsicle

Posted by ANUAR SANi

The school bell rang just as Little Johnny started eating a Popsicle, and since he didn't want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket.
In the classroom the teacher asked little Vicky what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, "Eskimos."
Then teacher asked little Teresa what they called people who live in Mexico. She said, "Mexicans."
The teacher asked Little Johnny what they called people who live in Europe, and Little Johnny said, "I don't know."
Then super-smart little Mary behind Frankie said, "European."
Little Johnny's face turned red and he screamed, "I AM NOT! - My Popsicle is melting!"

4:23 AM

Abstract Logic

Posted by ANUAR SANi

The teacher was putting her class through a lesson in abstract logic.
"Now Johnny," she asked, "if a policeman found a watch on a tramp,what would you naturally infer about the watch?"
Johnny promptly replied, "That it was on the bum."

7:55 PM

Alligator

Posted by ANUAR SANi

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

9:05 AM

First Time

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Little Johnny recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."

8:40 AM

Christmas Ultimatum

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny was a mean, arrogant, foul-mouthed brat, and Johnny's father was tired of it. Christmas was coming up, so he gave his son an ultimatum: "Behave yourself and you'll get what you want for Christmas; keep acting like a jerk and you'll get a pile of dog crap in place of the gift".
Johnny couldn't help himself when he told his dad what he wanted for Christmas. It was habitual. "I want a damned teddy bear laying right here beside me when I wake up on Christmas morning," Johnny said. "Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a train going around the freaking tree, and when I go outside I expect to see a new bicycle leaning up against the damned garage!"
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog crap. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog crap around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage.
When he came back inside the house, his dad smiled and asked, "So, Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "Beats the hell out of me. I think I got a dog but I can't find him."

8:22 AM

Belly Button

Posted by ANUAR SANi

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.
In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Alex standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.
She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO"
"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."
So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."
A few minutes later the teacher says "OH.that's not my bellybutton."And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

12:46 AM

Alabama

Posted by ANUAR SANi

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".
This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

9:21 AM

Bathroom Instruction

Posted by ANUAR SANi

The teacher of a first grade class gives instructions to the little boys on how to go to the bathroom.
The teacher tells them the following:
One - unzip your zipper
Two - pull your pecker out
Three - stroke the skin back
Four - take a pee
Five - stroke the skin forward
Six - put it away and zip up the zipper
So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. The teacher asks, "Where is Little Johnny?"
One of the boys replies "He is still in the bathroom."
The teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears Little Johnny "Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five............"

8:54 AM

Dark Secrets

Posted by ANUAR SANi

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

2:50 AM

New Teacher

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

9:21 AM

Be Kind To Animals

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny's father wakes him up one morning and says "Johnny, go feed the animals as I am late and must take a shower."
Little Johnny who is now angry gets out of bed and walks past his mother who is making breakfast in the kitchen. Johnny gathers the food for the chicken, pig, and cow. First, Johnny kicks the chicken and drops it's feed in its feeder. Second, Johnny walks up to the pig, kicks it, and drops its slop in it's trough. Third, Johnny walks up, kicks the cow, and gives the cow it's food.
Meanwhile, his mother can see all of what Johnny is doing from the kitchen. Johnny walks back to the house and enters the kitchen. Johnny's mother says, "Johnny, I saw what you did and for kicking the chicken, you will have no eggs for breakfast, for kicking the pig, you will have no bacon. For kicking the cow, you will have no milk."
Meanwhile, Johnny's father walks down the stairs and trips over the cat and nearly falls. Johnny's father walks up and kicks the cat. Johnny looks at his mother and says "Should I tell him what he's not going to have or are you?"

8:22 AM

Adding

Posted by ANUAR SANi

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

7:23 AM

Acting

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

9:21 AM

Apple Juice

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Two little girls are playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so Little Susie crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a rose thorn stuck in her finger.
Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mommy, Mommy, I've got a thorn in my finger! Get some apple juice!"
Mum says: "But why do you want apple juice? Wouldn't a bandage be nicer?"
Susie says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."

9:55 PM

Addition

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Little Johnny: Big hands!

9:21 AM

Babysitting

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

7:55 AM

A Gift for Teacher

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.
She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?"
Johnny shook his head No.
Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

10:54 PM

adding

Posted by ANUAR SANi

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

12:00 AM

The Sparklers

Posted by ANUAR SANi


MUSiC>LOVER


BUBBLES>LOVER